NEVER JET HOT

I just noticed that we are using "Marathon" brand toilet tissue. Seems like quality stuff, but I hope I never have to find out if it lives up to the name.

"Everyone farts… Whether it be in public, on a date, or during an interview, it happens and we know how embarrassing it can be. Luckily, a man named "Big Chicken Mushroom" from WuHan, China, has invented the 'Fart Silencer', a small plastic tube that you… um… put in your anus." ... I saw this at "weirdasianews.com" - found via a twitter feed, it's NOT a site I am in the habit of visiting, nor am I going to link to it here. They are not kidding.

Sometimes a gag gift is all in the presentation... Saw this on Twitter... "...gag gifts were passed out ... uncle walter got a gift wrapped in numerous layers of foil, duct tape, rope it took 5 min 4 him 2 open"

Someone on eBaY was peddling this old cardboard toy that billed itself as a "super duper mart". I didn't know the practice of adding "duper" to "super" started that long ago. It's kind of a ripoff, the thing isn't fit to pretend to be a mall kiosk. It looks like taller kids couldn't use it, which is just as well, they would have been more interested in shooting it up with their Daisy BB rifles. You could make some satisfying holes in that coated cardboard. Anyway, this aspiring merchant should keep a close eye on the shopper. She could hide the entire produce department under that skirt.

"No Escalades were harmed during the making of this film"... heheh This is about what I had to go through in my ancient Ford Exploder to go to the post office yesterday... I didn't have chains, but I did have helpful neighbor & 4WD. Once I got it to kick in.

Is this the "end" of Marmaduke?

It;s almost 2 AM the Sunday before Christmas, we have gotten a bit of snow up here in Latte land. We are not "snow people" and of course there is not a snow shovel, generator, or battery operated lamp to be had for miles around. Fortunately we didn't get the worst of it up here North of Marysville (Maybe 35 miles North of Seattle). Went to the hardware store today, got one of those LED forehead lights, it's a great anti-toe-stubbing device. I can't believe my spell checker is going to let me slide on "anti-toe-stubbing". I hope everyone out there in the internet is safe and warm. We are planning to greatly increase our reach and to that end, our product assortment, in 2009, I hope you bookmark at least one of these fine websites. ( TheRestlessMouse.com, ThatRestlessMouse.com, NoveltyTradingPost.com )

It's Dec. 18th and we have orders to ship... Even though we live near Seattle, the "snow wimp" capital of the world, where if even a hint of snow is forecasted, all schools are 2 hours late, and if it touches the ground there is no government at all except for the bossy Barista at Starbucks. Anyway, up here the snow is so deep, the neighbor's yard-couches are unrecognizable lumps. But rest assured I will make the trek today, because we have to make people's Christmas miracles happen, even miracles that involve naked lady strip pens, or car air fresheners that smell like corndogs.

Ya, our retail discount website has changes style & color scheme again. So if you come back to ThatRestlessMouse.com from an earlier visit, and it looks completely different, don't be alarmed. It's only me, chasing the elusive butterfly of web design. Same goes for THErestlessMouse.com, to a lesser extent. What better way to spend a dark and snowy night than messing around on the internet.

"The Meaning of Lila" is my new favorite comic strip, but I don't know why. Maybe I like her because she looks like Betty Rubble.

I'm a big fan of idioms; in fact, I think they are the cat's meow. I acquired another from an article I was reading; "set the cat among the pigeons", which means to anger or annoy a group of people. I'm sure it will come in handy!

Sometimes the quote thing at iGoogle pops up with a gem; "Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest." - Alexandre Dumas ...but what about rogue imbeciles?

Gee, maybe somebody should write a book, "Easy ways out"... I way trying to find an easy way to do something or another, I forget what, the google suggestions drop-down stopped me in my tracks... "Easy ways to die"? "Easy ways to get high"? I was expecting more like "Easy ways to get better gas mileage" or "8 Easy ways to avoid Sarah Palin"... I am truly saddened that people have gone to Google in a (presumably fruitless) effort to ease their burdens... But remember folks, "this too shall pass".

What was I thinking, didn't I know that the guy that sings a song as maudlin as "Teddy Bear" would have similar tricks in his bag? One actually contains the phrase "tears on my steering wheel"! gaaak

...I dug up Brenda Lee's "I'm gonna Lasso Santa Claus", I think it came out before her manic "Rock around the Christmas Tree" hit. In IGLSC, Brenda tries to pull some Robin Hood crap on Santa, I don't think that went over well. It's bad enough that she yanks on his beard.

(NOTE: If this is the worst problem I have today, I figure we are doing A-OK) PROBLEM: Frank picked a bowl of apples from the tree in the back yard, and put it on the table. Someone (possibly me I admit) tossed my Aussie hat on top of that, and then Teresa bought some bananas and put those on there too. Left it there for two days, now my hat smells like fruit salad.

Just got this "Colonna" CD, mainly to get the classic cut "Bell Bottom Trousers (coat of Navy Blue)" - It's one of the few tracks I can actually listen to on this CD, the guy rrrrrolled his R's too much. The other one I like is, "Hey Barmaid!" (Can you guess why? No R's in it. Well, only one, safely in the middle.) I was hoping there would be some interesting tidbits about this guy, he looks like a circus strongman for some reason. But alas, sparse liner notes. Also I am having trouble ripping it to MP3.

Today's I-Google Confucius quote was; "It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop." Wow, I wish I worked for Confucius! The "team leader" at my "real" job is not so wise, he would be much better suited to run a chain-gang. And NO SINGING. Anyway, our new Novelty Radio Station is taking that slow but steady growth path, although I am not sure Confucius would approve the tunes.

Igoogle's "points to ponder" widget just stopped me in my tracks. Why DOESN'T Tarzan have a beard??

NORMALLY I don't post "family" stuff here; Leave us face it, if you don't know our family, it's like watching someone else's home movies of their trip to see the World's Largest Ball of Rubber Bands. Today I must break that rule. I was tickled to discover that daughter Daphne and her friends found a modern-day version of one of those "photo booths". Don't they look like they're having an absolute blast?

From a Bob Newhart Wiki page; "Whenever Bob Newhart was asked whom he admired the most as a comedian, he never hesitated with his somewhat surprising answer: Richard Pryor. Upon Pryor's death in 2005, Newhart paid tribute by calling him "the seminal comedian of the last 50 years."

This joke cracked me up, reminds me of a boss I once had... Johnson, who always shows up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his clothes a mess, all scratched up, his eyeglasses bent. "What happened to you?" his boss asks. "I fell down two flights of stairs." "That took you a whole hour??"

I have a great cell plan, 300 minutes, free data, free nights/weekends, the weak spot is that text messages are ten cents each. Now, I just don't use text messaging, my thumbs are only suited for hitchhiking, or operating the remote. Unfortunately, I suspect that the young lady that had my cellphone number before me DID use text messages. Or rather, her, ummm, suitors did. I get a GOOD MORNING message from some dude most mornings. I told him that he had the wrong number, but he cryptically replied "I AM SANTA CLAUS". This threw me for a loop... What if he REALLY IS Santa? My general policy is not to anger a guy who owns flying reindeer. But I digress. Today I got a 7am Saturday wake-up text message. I stared at it bleary-eyed for a moment, then burst out laughing. For once it might be worth a dime. Here's the sort of nasty joke my misguided stalker sent today; "Summer's Eve has a new douche made from Marijuana, deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken. It l...

I just unsubscribed from the "lockergnome" mailing list, it's sort of a semi-geek email newsletter that sometimes has interesting stories relating to the world of computers, just the other day I got a great Windows add-on program for half off too. Unfortunately, lately he has been filling it with links attacking the candidate he does not want to be president. (Doesn't matter which one; I would feel the same either way.) So I unsubscribed, at least for the time being. I don't understand why people feel the need to shove their political views down each other's throats. While we sell parody bills of a political nature, they represent both sides of the aisle when I can keep them in stock. But I don't profess to a preference. The Restless Mouse is all about lighten up and have fun.

We interrupt your steady diet of gloom and doom to bring you... PIRATES! Be sure to check out Dress Like A Pirate.com for more swashbuckling fun like that.

Aristotle says; Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit. But, is he serious? I think these philosophers just liked to make up BS to impress the ladies. And that statement bears serious examination.

More adventures from my sister's house... She lives "out in the sticks"... We have a stupid bat that got in here tonight so Pat and Stephen have been trying to get it. It's been hanging out mostly way up on the wall above the couch, seems to be laughing at Pat's efforts to throw doggie toys at it to get it to fly around and have Stephen try to hit it with a broom. What was creepy was that Pat and I were in the living room tonight and we heard it squeaking, seemed to be on the outside of the upper window and then the squeaking got louder and it came through a space behind the trim of that window. I was so wanting to get some sleep tonight. I'm going to go to the garage and see if I can find the net that we had around here somewhere. Love, Cheryl

Seems I only get "page one" google results for terms I can't use. Because of the random nature of this "blog", we wound up #4 for the Washington state city of "Hoquim" (Yeah I spelled it wrong.) Maybe I should have discussed "Seqium"? That's spelled wrong too, (I think) ... Poor spelling seems to be the key to success! Another time I was griping about people talking at the library, as of this morning this website is #1 for the search term "shushtime" - Gunna have to add that to my fauxcabulary.

I guess this is what passes for "good news" at The Seattle Times . The headline: Baby boomer deaths: good business for funeral industry I didn't have the intestinal fortitude to click on it.

You will hate me for this, but I can't resist posting another little Johnny joke... The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart att...

I had to laugh at this guy's poll. Not "Who are you planning to vote for", no, we're going the cynical route... casino   free polls

Here's a puzzler from the Snohomish County Freecycle list... ... There's no "C" in "Melissa and Doug"

Just got an order from an independent auto shop - The guy's email address is PressHard3Copies@hisemailprovider.net I totally get that, having worked in a shop environment. Maybe I should change to peddlingfuncrapcheapontheinternet@therestlessmouse.com ... Uh, I need to work on that

Inability to sanitize live carp ends fishy foot treatments For the past three weeks, scores of customers descended upon a nail salon in Kent. They came to Peridot Nail Salon and parted with $30, so that for 15 minutes, tiny fish could nibble the dead skin off their feet. Does the government have to protect EVERYBODY from EVERYTHING? They are probably in salt water, does this mean people can't wade in the ocean anymore? After all, it hasn't been sanitized.

I almost made milk come out of my nose when I saw this on eBaY... I reckon they should have planned for rainy days instead.

WHAT will your smoking Babies/ smoking monkeys smoke now? I called the wholesaler just now, apparently they discontinued the extra cig packs! She doesn't know if they are planning to discontinue the Smoking Monkeys and Smoking Babies, but they are both pretty popular, my guess is that they are working on a new package & supplier for those. A few years ago, they recalled the cigs, I even had to take the ones out of the packages they come in with the babies or monkeys, nothing wrong with the cigs., the tobacco companies thought they looked too much like thier real cigarette packages. I hadn't bought any more of the spares since then, but there is a new design on the ones that come with the monkeys so that can't be it. ANYWAY- you get a total of 11 cigs with the thing. I will search for alternatives, but even Johnson-Smith doesn't seem to have them. I remember when I was a kid, they sold tiny self-puffing cigs, you could poke a hole in a dollar and make George "s...

Those of you looking for those crazy puff cigars, Now my suppliers is telling me they expect to ship the 144 I ordered weeks ago, on OCT 15. Right in the middle of "theater season"! Next year I am going to stock up in the doldrums of summer. We do have the Puff Cigarettes, and the JUMBO puff cigars; http://www.noveltytradingpost.com/Puffing_theater_prop_cigarettes_p/pr1302.htm http://www.noveltytradingpost.com/Fat_Cat_Jumbo_Puff_Cigar_p/pr0303.htm

IS someone at eBaY PAYING the National Retail Federation to say this? At a recent congressional hearing, NRF vice president for loss prevention, Joseph LaRocca, says selling on the Internet is THE DOPE: "The Internet seems to be contributing to the creation of a brand new type of retail thief – people who have never stolen before but are lured in by the convenience and anonymity of the Internet. Thieves often tell the same disturbing story: they begin legitimately selling product on eBay and then become hooked by its addictive qualities, the anonymity it provides and the ease with which they gain exposure to millions of customers. When they run out of legitimate merchandise, they begin to steal intermittently, many times for the first time in their life, so they can continue selling online. The thefts then begin to spiral out of control and before they know it they quit their jobs, are recruiting accomplices and are crossing states lines to steal, all so they can support and perpe...

SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- A West Virginia man who police said passed gas and fanned it toward a patrolman has been charged with battery on a police officer. This reminds of the Sarah Silverman show where one of her friends lets out a silent-but-deadly "bomb" in a patrol car, and gets arrested. (Hilarity ensues)

We get all kinds of offers from suppliers all over the world, but this one caught my eye; Just about 35 years late on that one, guys.

I'm not sure if this site is just a tribute site to How I met your Mother , I sure hope so, otherwise this woman scares me; TedMosbyIsAJerk.com

I got this email five years ago. It still haunts me. I feel bad because I did have a wrist-mounted dimensional warp generator, but it got mixed up with some stuff that Teresa was setting out for a garage sale, and you know how that goes... Hello, I'm a time traveler stuck here in 2003. Since nobody here seems to be able to get me what I need (safely here to me), I will have to build a simple time travel circuit to get where I need myself. I am going to need an easy to follow picture diagram for a simple time travel circut, which can be built out of (readily available) parts here in 2003. Please email me any schematics you have. I will pay good money for anything you send me I can use. Or if you have the rechargeable AMD dimensional warp generator wrist watch unit available, and are 100% certain you have a (secure) means of delivering it to me please also reply. Send a separate email to me at: (the guy's email)

Pirate joke swiped from some guy on twitter; A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel instead of the usual scarf, wrapped around his skull. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum. The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?" "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

Apparently some wags on twitter are assuming the personas of characters on Mad Men, the beautiful to look at TV show populated by some pretty rotten characters (Don Draper is an IDIOT to cheat on Betty) Some think it might be at least partly an advertising gimmick by AMC to promote their show about advertising... At least one persona on twitter referred inquiries to Deep Focus, an ad agency representing AMC's Mad Men show... "But it does remain a mystery concerning just who is behind these 'Mad Men' characters. AMC says the posts are written by fans, but they seem to be suspiciously well-connected fans: in response to an interview request, Mr. Draper's character referred all questions to Deep Focus, a Web marketing agency that works for AMC." ... It's like a hall of mirrors.

My sister is concerned about her savings at Washington Mutual. I set her straight, her money is federally insured to 100 grand, and between me, her, and everyone on my street, except the Pederson's on the corner, couldn't come up with 100 thousand dollars. So it's not really an issue. I wonder how many other people do not know about FICA? I think it says something about that right on the bank door. I just looked and they have 176 Washington state WAMU openings posted at Monster.com - One of the openings is "Operational Excellence Black Belt" which is kind of cool, but how would they be able to lay that guy off later? You would get your ass kicked.

Check out this tool that graphs what people are saying on Twitter in the most recent seven days. Apparently those obsessive folks who use twitter (I represent that remark) are generally pretty happy; I Compared Happy, Sad, and Bored; I don't know if they are happy because they twit or they twit because they are happy. More research is needed. http://twist.flaptor.com/trends?gram=happy%2Csad%2Cbored&table=0

This poor kid, her dad is a real nerd, graphing her feeding times, diaper changes(!) Now sleep? Future therapist fodder for sure. The Trixie Update: Metrics

A person could get in real trouble submitting a receipt from a brothel to accounting! Or carrying one around in briefcase or pocket! I most definitely DO NOT recommend that you plant one of these on someone... pink928

This just in from UPS. Maybe I should go outside and enjoy this pleasant Northwest weather... Hurricane Ike Service Update UPS is preparing for Hurricane Ike, which will likely make landfall in Texas during the weekend. Mandatory evacuations have been ordered in the coastal areas of the state, including around Beaumont, Galveston and Houston. Safety is our first priority, and UPS encourages our employees in the area to take all necessary precautions. Eight UPS centers in eastern Texas are currently closed: Victoria, Angleton, Texas City, Baytown, Port Arthur, Beaumont, Pasadena, League City Pickup, delivery, and On-Call Pickup Service will be delayed in affected areas. The scheduled hours at UPS Customer Centers, The UPS Stores and UPS Freight terminals will also be impacted. If you plan to send a shipment to east Texas, UPS recommends contacting your recipient to make sure they are available to accept the package. Further updates will be provided on ups.com

    #PJ1218 not enough lead in your pencil? The old #2 pencil turned to rubber. Makes the big exam sort of iffy. It's good luck dontchya know. RUBBER PENCIL Now only 77 cents while supplies last...

When I was a (real and not just in my head) kid, knock knock jokes were all the rage. I never really thought they were funny. But I just pulled these on Daphne and we agree, funny. We will let "Bud" and "Jim" demonstrate... BUD: "Knock knock." JIM: "Who's there?" BUD: "The Interrupting Cow." JIM: "The Int..." BUD: "MOOO!!" But the key is the followup joke... BUD: "Knock knock." JIM: "Who's there?" BUD: "The Interrupting Starfish." JIM: "The Interrupting Starfish wh..." BUD: (puts palm on Jim's face, with all digits extended)

I wonder if "Bud and Jim" jokes will become as popular as "Little Johnny" jokes... Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Coeur d'Alene Idaho. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Bud says, 'I feel great. How about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't hav e a hangover?' Bud says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ou ght to...

    #CT6601 Martian Popping Thing You've seen them in some cold medicine TV ad, and on "Drake and Josh", Martian Popping Thing has amazing stress-reducing properties. Squeeze him and his eyes, ears, even nose, pop out! They retract when you let go, and there are no repercussions. He's made of thick rubber (not latex) for long life. The supplier for this product jacked up the wholesale price on these so high that I stubbornly refuse to buy more. So, "while supplies last".

Worst classmates ad ever! Do you think I didn't know what they called me? Especially that one in the corner (see arrow), Mother said she did it because she LIKED me. She sure had a funny way of showing it. She would always ride her bike in the street in front of my kool-aid stand and drive away business. I think people would NOTICE if my kool-aid had "cooties". And she could KICK. I had to wear long pants into the summer to hide the scars. I guess the idea on these classmate finding sites is to round each other up, reminisce and laugh, and then proceed to make each other miserable again only on a larger scale. (Heather K. of Cromwell Park circa 1972 - I'm kidding! You are always welcome at my kool-aid stand!)

Created by Mingle2.com (Dating for non-zombies) Sorry, I don't date fellow employees. (Don't get your honey where you make your money). But if I did, I would give them these lovely romance rats as tokens of my love.

We are constantly bombarded with emails from Chinese manufacturers, touting all kinds of strange products, I kind of think these are small operations trying to emulate the success of others, but not there just yet. Although I am sort of intrigued by this "eye massager" Hooks into your USB port, then what? I don't want to end up on the church lawn clawing my eyes out. They need to provide more details. Can I wear it in the bathtub?

more graph humor and song chart memes

I could have had this statue at a local garage sale for a song, I think it was there at the sale they had last year too. But I suspect that Teresa would question the artistic value of this specimen vis-a-vis the aesthetic sensibilities of our abode. All of a sudden she's a museum curator? Next year, I am buying it. I hope it doesn't get ruined by the humidity in the garage.

Found this at the bottom of a "spam" message. Can I go too? Be also notified that I will no longer be reading my emails or surfing the internet as I have retired completely from the outside world to my ranch, at this moment I have nothing to do with cars, emails and other luxuries

From the "Snohomish County Freecycle" mailing list: I have about 8-10 pounds of palm oil and another 8-10 pounds of coconut oil that have gone rancid (they stink). They might be good for bio-diesel. Has it come to that? Do people have cars that you can dump any old kind of grease or oil in the tank and the machine runs flawlessly? Like on Back to The Future III? I need to look into that. Our friend Ethyl is getting a bit too big for her britches.

Why is it that when your car catches on fire, it burns up, but if your house catches on fire, it burns down? Normally I would ask my insurance guy, but this question would probably make my rates go up.

If you google "John Everett": I'm not the guy with the Funeral Home, the Private Investigator (JohnEverettPI.com! How cool is that!) nor am I the real estate guy. I don't work at the Canadian Institute for Theoretical Astrophysics. (My "string theory" involves wondering why my shirt is unraveling) I'm not the photographer in Houston (Although I must say his work impresses me. Wonder if I could get a Doppleganger discount?) Didn't write a technical book about "Very Small Aperture Terminals" (Why don't they make the doors to the airport building bigger?) I'm not the 19 year old NYC comedian named John Everett with all the pretty girls flirting with him on his MySpace page, although we have a few things in common (I go off on rants sometimes, and I also do a fair Bill Cosby impression, although it's probably 20 years out of date and involves Jello pudding) Most certainly am not John Everett the Highwayman, Turnkey and Ale-House Kee...

I didn't get this one at first; guy on the radio was saying; I saw a wino eating grapes. I told him, "Dude! you have to WAIT."

For when you want to know who is calling, what the company is calling about (and what they want), without having to call them unarmed for a battle of wits. 800notes.com comes in mighty handy. Lots of other consumer links there too.

This site; That Was Random! ...reminds me of a show from the 70's called "Real People with Sarah Purcell". Recently the site has a guy who can move his eyes independently of each other, and videos of people who have problems with travel trailers, and a bunch of other interesting bits. I wonder what ever became of Sarah Purcell? And why do I remember her name, but not the names of my children?

We have all seen these before, but they still crack me up. They are especially appealing when neighbor girl I call "Screamy McScreamerson" is playing in the street. Children's books that didn't make the cut You Are Different and That's Bad The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables Dad's New Wife Robert Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence All Cats Go to Hell! The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption Grandpa Gets a Casket The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy Strangers Have the Best Candy Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way You Were an Accident Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will Pop! Goes The Hamster; and Other Great Microwave ...

The Mrs. thought it would be fun to go to the local street fair; You know, when they block off the street and put up tents hawking sunglasses, risque potholders (??), there's always the "sand art" thing, what else? Oh yeah, I always take this opportunity to get the Sunday paper for about a third off the newsstand price. His pitch was "Free newspaper! Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!" but like I said, I was there to do business, he had me at hello. Then, the garage sales. There are always several this time of year. We went to one and I picked up $3 DVD's, H.G. Wells' "Time Machine", and a Sinbad movie, the one with the multi-armed dude and the cyclops. Still looking for Jason and the Argonauts with the fighting skeletons, guess this will have to do for now. Oh, and an "Incredible Hulk" throw to keep in the truck. (I have a green and tan truck) They had so many movies, video games, and toys of every description at that yard s...

I saw this in a car window, a sign that seems to indicate that there is a baby on board who is wearing men's underwear. Sometimes I wish I was um, multilingual. Or at least fluent in english. We carry the Mom's Taxi gimmick, but I thought the baby on board thing was discarded years ago as being utterly pointless. I noticed that there was no car seat, which makes me even more curious, maybe this is some sort of gang sign.

Even after literally hundreds of trips to the post office, Petey still worries that someone will go in there and accidentally get shipped to Abu Dhabi. After all, to a dog, the post office is like enemy headquarters.

John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "A car is being towed from the parking lot!" he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by." A few more moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out. "Matt has a new bike" "Mr. and Mrs. Cooper are having sex." Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex?" Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too.

Here's a story about a family that picked up the dog after vacation and got the wrong dog, apparently the kennel operator thought it would be fun to put some other black lab in the same "room". As a Westie owner, I can certainly see how the mixup could happen, Westies look a LOT alike, if my parent's westie gets groomed around the same time and we go over there, it can get downright confusing if not for the collars. This situation finally got sorted out, but with this comment from the kennel operator: "[the kennel operator] told The Oregonian newspaper she had no comment about how the confusion might have occurred. 'We tried to do everything we could, and it's really unfortunate we had two customers who couldn't identify their dogs', she said." What she should have said (and done!): "We regret the mixup and we are taking steps to make sure it never happens again" and then describe what she plans to do about it. Hello? Customer Servi...

I recently discovered that (at least in Windows XP) There is an "On screen keyboard" option. If your keyboard acts up sometimes (I had one of light-up keyboards that turned out to be krap) - Try this; Start menu->Select Run->Type OSK->Press OK You will get a virtual keyboard , you can use your mouse to type on it. Makes me wonder what other treasures are hidden in that beige box by my knee.

Rarely do I laugh out loud at three jokes in a row; Maybe we overdid it with the Kahlua in the coffee this morning. Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? They fight tooth and nail! Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

Found while investigating a noise in one of attic spaces: One KM-8 "Sock Em" boxing glove. Add this to artifacts found around the house and yard, old beer bottles in the wall behind the medicine cabinet, Motorcycle wheels in the stickers, some steel pipes, some sort of multi-level spool thing, what else? Various balls and frisbees may have come from adjacent yards. Lots of glass and plastic found digging around in the far back yard, I think they used to burn their garbage here rather than pay for pickup. I found a doll head back there, and a kitchen knife. Man, this place is getting creepier by the minute.

I was reading this Study on the health benefits of Laughter It makes me wonder. If laughter is the best medicine, what is sarcasm? Are there health benefits to smirking? Or does it have to be a belly laugh? Does it work better on fat people then? Is canned laughter the generic equivalent? Can I get cheaper laughs in Canada? There are many unanswered questions.

Oh wait, Ben was a rat. Anyway; The thing that creeps me out about the life-size wind-up mouse toy is the way the tail moves as it goes. The one we took for product testing drives the dog NUTS. It kind of creeps people out, my mom's dog does not get one because it gives her the willies (Mom, not the dog). The windup mouse toy comes in white, gray, black, or brown fur , you can request your desired color(s) in the comments field when you order, most folks don't really care, in that case we will send whatever is top of the box. NOW just $1.99 or less in quantity.

    #PJ2000 Mosquito buzzing box gag It's your last chance to annoy people with buzzing mosquito noises. Just a few left now, get 'em while they're hot at just $3.49. The buzzing mosquito noise seems to come from everywhere and nowhere.

9/5/08 I am ashamed that I allowed the stock of "puff cigars" and "puff cigarettes" to run out; We have more on the way (LOTS more) Because "Theater Season" is coming up. So much for my aspirations to be a stagehand or a "key grip" or whatever. Teresa says I'm still her "Best Boy" anyway. The new stuff should arrive mid-September and will be immediately posted.

    #NF1290 Stewie Family Guy Pocket sound machine Only about 10 left of these Stewie Talkers, the most evil one, but he gets away with it because only the dog understands him. read more in the ad for the talking stewie , clearing them out for just $3.99 each! I don't expect they will hang around here long at that price! All like new & tested, great gift item for Family Guy fans...

    #DS0170 Snotty Keychain Last 9 or so of these funky little snot nose keychains , I put them on sale. Lots more coming, I am unable to work at my main occupation so I will amuse myself here and hopefully clear enough inventory so we have room to set up the monopoly board.

I downloaded Google's new CHROME web browser last night. So far, I sort of like it. I like searching from the browser bar. The window that comes up with displays for most-used sites, I like it but Firefox's FAST DIAL addon does it better, and comes up every time I open a new window. (At least, that's how I have it configured.) I did have the flash crash while trying to watch a YOUTUBE video but the rest of the browser window I had opened were unaffected, had a bunch of other programs open too. The "Incognito" feature is interesting but I have no real practical use for it, and even if I did, who knows if it really works? It might be like the "Cone of Silence" on the old "Get Smart" show. Lots of the "Internet Pundits" are down on this browser and of course they came up with security flaw(s)... But geez it's a very early beta... Give the gentle Goliath of search a chance before you start throwing rocks at him...

It seems odd to me, the way they word things when posting something to the Snohomish County Freecyclers List . Got this one just now; I have two floor lamps that need new homes Well, I'm not sure. Are these floor lamps healthy? Do they have behavior problems? I'm worried that they won't get along with my other furnishings. What kind of electricity should I feed them? Then I got; I have 3 dining room chairs looking for new home. I like these dining room chairs, they are being proactive, and actively seeking out a new home, probably interviewing dining room tables, going on hikes hoping to meet other decor-minded furniture. They might have an ad on Craigslist that goes something like this; "Looking for a nice home with non-drinking, non-smoking humans. No children please. Also, if you are into the whole 'tipping against the wall' thing, don't even bother. I have protective leg-tips, you be floor safe too. Prefer French Colonial surroundings.

I have noticed some people come to our site via some variation of "get a novelty manufactured". They want to see Uncle Marvin's idea for an auto-wobbling chair become reality. Look, We are not manufacturers, just a rusty little link in the gag gift and novelty item supply chain. However, here is a tip for those searchers; Thomasnet.com . This is the online version of those huge green catalogs full of manufacturers of all things, used to be you had to traipse to the public library to look at them, now Thomas directories online and easy to search. Enjoy! If you get a novelty item made that would be a good fit here, please email us, we are always looking for new oddities to peddle.

From IUsedToBelieve.com When I was younger I asked my mom why you had to go slow past a school and she told me it was in case a kid ran out in front of the car you would be able to stop quick enough to get out and spank them. I was VERY careful not get off the sidewalk when I was at school for a long time after that! Kai ...I would tell my kids all sorts of crap like that. No wonder they are so cynical already.

A while back, I put an ad up for my old laserdiscs at CraigsList of Seattle. I didn't expect much of a response, because they are kind of a "white elephant" item, even when I bought them I got most of them practically free. They are the size of LP records and as brittle as old china, plus most movies must be flipped at least once during the movie because they couldn't fit the info on one side. Some are on multiple discs too. Even so, I posted them at a very attractive "Cash on the barrelhead" price, just to discourage people who want to dicker. (Why did I think that would work? It's actually the other way round) I kept getting inquiries from people who want to ask all kinds of esoteric questions such as "Is the 'Jason and the Argonauts' set from the Criterion collection?" Who the hell cares??? There are 3D fighting skeletons!! But more disturbing than that, the wording of the inquiries seems to indicate that they will be wanting to make...

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ‘Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’ She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.’ Little Tony just said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you.’

WANTED: T-Mobile phone Marysville Mine fell in the toilet. After a couple of days drying, I don't think it's going to work again. Any style appreciated.

THIS JUST IN: Huge (5 feet by 3 feet) Pirate skull flag - The Jolly Roger - Nylon for long life, Pirates love Nylon, they love all synthetics I guess. Less than four bucks! No need to dig anything up for this. Get your own Jolly Roger flag here and let the swordfighting jokes commence.

Our #BD1520 Clean or Dirty Magnet is a handy item for the dishwasher, once you condition people to flip the stupid thing around right after putting away the clean dishes, and to flip it back to clean when running a load. Otherwise it is handy to hold a note to the fridge, write your husband a John Deere letter and run off with a tractor salesman? That would be harsh. Anyway. The Dishwasher Magnet is one of our most popular items and useful items, at least in the kitchen. Quantity discounts available.

My sister is selling a computer and wants to know what you would use to *permanently* delete data on the hard drive, without reformatting. I have never tried to do that. By the time everyone in the house has had a go at a computer, the thing is ready for the scrap heap. The last one actually made smoke when it fried out. I have several old hard drives in the garage, want to find some tinted resin stuff to pour in the top, put rubber feet on the bottom, those high-tech coasters make excellent Christmas gifts. Perhaps we could make floppy disk cookies too. Nobody steal my idea now.

My Westie likes to "take a ride on the Reading" so we can't play Monopoly on the floor anymore. Dogs aren't as civilized as these cats appear to be. ( from icanhascheezburger.com )

    #TG0040 Dogs Playing Cards High Quality extra fancy playing cards with tilt-to-change lenticular images. A fine gift for any dog people. New, shrinkwrapped lenticular ( aka "3d") playing cards , dogs all around except cats on the jokers of course. On sale while supplies last! $5.99

Item #GG1224; Supremely Tacky Striptease Lady Pen When turned over, the lady's clothes disappear, revealing her naughty bits. Our choice of barrel colors, many variations so it's hard to promise certain color/model combinations. Besides, a little surprise in your life is a good thing. Sorry, pen cannot be imprinted (Most of barrel is consumed by the naked lady display) Just $2.19 each, less in quantity.

I do remember riding my bike during a lightning storm once, but I'm sure mom didn't send me out there... The only other kids out were those Swedish kids that had a trampoline in their back yard... Exercise nuts... They lived one house up Corliss from the house that was kitty-corner from Trudy... Heidi and uh, Wilhelm? The boy had an odd name like that. I think they missed the middle off trampoline too much, but then again I was out in the storm too... Anyway... I am loving this cool and rainy weather. We don't get a lot of lightning storms in these parts. Hopefully that bit is over now. Mom has been doing so well. I got maybe nine hours of sleep total today, still not quite awake. That's why I am liking all this rain. It's conducive to sleep. When I retire I think I will move to a cool/rainy place like Aberdeen or Hoqium. Wonder if there is bad blood between those two "gateway to Ocean Shores" cities. Maybe I will open a store in Hoqium and have a "Ts...

Some of our competitors sell these scotty dogs too, but in a peg display, and in colors like green and red, what alternate universe are those dogs from. Our supplier is naturally very secretive about where he gets the Retro BLACK AND WHITE Magnetic Scotty Dog sets in the fun little pasteboard box. I try to keep them in stock, but there seems to be an insatiable demand for this sort of little retro toy. So many have been sold over so many years, I wonder how many orphaned scotty dogs are stuck inside heating ducts, in drawers, slightly below ground in the yard, under car seats in wrecking yards, where have I forgotten to look? No matter, we have them at $2.99 a set and call that retail, much less in quantity.

Created by Mingle2.com (Dating for non-zombies) Sorry, I don’t date fellow employees. (Don’t get your honey where you make your money). But if I did, I would give them these lovely romance rats as tokens of my love.

Little Johnny’s mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, “Johnny. This is where you come from.” Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as “Lucky Johnny.” “Why?” one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, “Because I came this close to being a turd.”

I was looking at the obituaries in our local paper. Saddened to see that while 6 people "passed away" and seven simply "died", only two "went to be with our lord" or anything to that effect. I didn’m not counting the one young lady that "Went to live with Jesus" as I am not convinced by the writing there that she didn’t simply run off with a Mexican guy*. Nor am I counting another guy whose obit covered a most interesting live of more than 80 years but did not indicate that he had left this earthly realm. He seemed to be a tough guy, we should not count him out just yet. My obit won’t be near as interesting, but can I help it if I didn’t grow up in a hardscrabble logging camp? * Not that there’s anything wrong with that! sheesh!

I am probably going to get hate mail for this, but I had to chuckle when I found the Freegan.info website. What is a “Freegan”? “Freegans are people who employ alternative strategies for living based on limited participation in the conventional economy and minimal consumption of resources. Freegans embrace community, generosity, social concern, freedom, cooperation, and sharing in opposition to a society based on materialism, moral apathy, competition, conformity, and greed. But it should actually say: “Freegans are kids who grew up in suburbia who choose to be pretentious society-hating twits and eat out of dumpsters, until they get worms or food poisoning, or a real street person defends his turf. Freegans embrace community and generosity, which involves your couch, so get some febreze, it really helps. Also get some earplugs so you won’t have to hear them whine about a society based on materialism, moral apathy, competition, conformity, and greed. Is t...

Here are the Restless Mouse/ Novelty Trading Post PHONE NUMBERS Cell 425-343-6750 or Toll Free Line 1-800-948-5785 PLEASE… No salesmen, agents, representatives, etc. IE No Peddlers Telephones have a real downside. They are so very insistent. Unfortunately they are a necessary tool to maintain our most excellent customer service. THE PROBLEM IS that our goofy novelty websites don’t throw off cash like a drunken congressman. So, I work in a warehouse at night, sleep some in the morning and some in the evening. In theory, Teresa, (AKA the “real head cheese”) is supposed to take the cellphone with her when I am sleeping. But that doesn’t always happen. She will not answer it if she is driving, taking a shower, in the bathroom ( bad accoustics ). Anyhoo. Please, leave a message if no one answers, or better yet shoot us an email. We really do want your business, or else what’s the point of all this?

    #NF1252 Little Black Book New, shrinkwrapped "Little black book" with a star rating system to keep track of the ladies. Only $2.99 on sale, while supplies last.

My nephew fell and sprained his wrist, it probably runs in the family, being sort of accident prone at that age. When I was young, I had a job as a security guard. I was working 10, 12 hour shifts, always tired. One day I stumbled over a car curb and sprained my wrist. Not much of a problem on the face of it, but I was driving an old 66 New Yorker with a push button automatic. (I had rescued it from some guy who was thinking of taking it to the demolition derby) Even worse, the buttons were on the same side I sprained, and they took a little effort to push… Plus there was something wrong with the tranny that caused it to not go back into gear after a stop… So I had to hit L and then D again after it was going… Reaching through the (gigantic) steering wheel to do so with my uninjured hand… Careful not to get whacked by the “suicide knob” if I was going over rough roads, I lived in an industrial area at the time. Good times. I like to think that some metal from that car has been recyc...

We are planning to go to an "all blog" format for this site. It will keep me from farting around with the format, colors, etc. all weekend. Yeah, right. Future blog posts will be made to this page; Completely Off Topic Blog #2

Several months ago, I picked up two books from the "Time Life Old West" series, probably the most common ones, "The Loggers" and "The Gunfighters". I just today got around to reading bits of them, The Logger book is interesting so far, as it focuses on the Northwest, where I live. Those early explorers seemed intent on naming stuff after themselves; Cap't Vancouver sailed around and presumably charted the coast of what is now called Vancouver island; which I'm sure the local tribes appreciated, so they didn't have to refer to it as "That island we don't know what the name of is yet" anymore. Later Cap't Vancouver explored up and down in the sound, which he opted to name after a guy on his crew, Peter Puget. (Hence it's Puget Sound. I'm not making this up.) Later a guy with the last name Douglas found a new species of tree, the Douglas Fir. Fortunately he got there before botanist Henry Hooglemeyersteinski. Another chap...

I see where Microsoft bid 44.6 BILLION dollars (pinkie in mouth here) - Are they nuts? They could have had TheRestlessMouse.com Novelty Empire for half that.

CelebPulp.com Celebrity Gossip I was looking at the gossip sheet here and I see that we neglected to observe Justin Timberlake's birthday. Dammit.

Hey, this offering on the local Freecycle.com list would help with the scavenger hunt! Especially the orange, pink and green tablecloth ( Did someone barf? Who can tell? ) plastic mat version of Twister Four boxes of lasagna noodles and 2 of spaghetti One bottle Old Orchard Green Tea unopened One vinyl tablecloth - orange, pink and green Box of 7 dinosaurs and play picture. Opened but intact Artemis Woman heel smoother. Been used, 2 extra tips packs. Still in good condition

We have been following this car wreck of a primary election process with varying degrees of interest, surprise, amusement and dread. When we bought the remaining stock from Lakeside Novelty, we inherited tons of these political bills. Hence I have sort of an interest in Hillary getting the democratic nomination, just so we can keep peddling this silly fake money. I know, I am a sad and pathetic little man, and you pity me. Anyway, I was sort of pleased to see that the oddsmakers are in my corner; Super Tuesday Political Betting Odds Online gambling website Bodog Life has Hillary Clinton a big -400 favorite to receive win the majority of primaries on Super Tuesday among Democrats. Senator Barack Obama is most certainly the underdog here paying out $2.50 for every $1.00 bet should he win more than Hillary. John Edwards bowed out of the race early on Wednesday following the Florida Primary. JUST THE SAME - We have all of this political money on sale DIRT CHEAP - $1.99 for each pad of 25 -...

WASHINGTON VOTERS FORCED TO LIE OR STAY HOME "Primary voters will have to pick one party's ballot and sign an oath that they consider themselves a member of that party and haven't attended the other party's caucus." ... Maybe I want to vote FOR a member of a particular party as a NO VOTE on another candidate of that party? And it just so happens that I do not consider myself a member of any particular political entity, least of all the donkey or the elephant. Do I have to LIE to participate? Now my understanding is that we have a caucus and then a primary vote. The Republicans are splitting the results as far as assigning delegates; Democrats are completely IGNORING the results of the primary vote. It seems to me that the caucus consists of the most dogged political junkies and assorted other nutjobs. Apparently, for the most part nationally, THEY get to decide which candidate from each party wins the swimsuit competition, and proceeds to the big dog and pony...

WEATHERMAN SAYS: North Puget Sound supposed to get up to 2 inches of snow tonight. State patrol advises motorists to keep food, water, clothes in their vehicles "in case they get stranded". Gunna get stranded in TWO INCHES of snow?? We can hear New Yorkers laughing from here.

It warms the cockles of my heart that our "Temporary Marriage" certificates sold out long before Temporary Divorce certificates . Now I have them marked down, but maybe people realize that the "temporary divorce" might cost a lot more than 49 cents...

From our local "Freecycle" list; it's an endless source of amusement. I just woke up, and at first I thought a GUY wrote this, or maybe it is so, which would bring shame to all of the male gender; HELP! I was just asked to be in my girlfriends wedding. Need to lose weight ASAP. Anyone have any weights, rowing machine, stairmaster, or any equiptment that is gathering dust or being used as an extra clothes hanger? I could really put to good use. Thank you - I only have 3 months! EEK!! ... EEK indeed. So, what is she going to do "in" her girlfriend's wedding? Sheesh, nobody's going to be looking at you, it's your girlfriend's big day. Just go and don't whine about the ugly bridesmaid dresses. And hope nobody recognizes you from the bachelor party. (Three weeks into the new year does seem the ideal time to obtain cast-off like-new exercise equipment, half empty boxes of nicotine patches, and other personal torture devices)

Gee, if I am going to post something about every little inventory change, why it's a fool time job. Here we have the Life's a gas cartoon fart book back in stock by unpopular demand (Morbid curiousity drives sales). PS Please don't do that in here; (It attracts flies)

The handy prop cigars are back in stock. The thing where you have to blow into rather than light and inhale takes a bit of getting used to for an ex-smoker like myself, but they do look exactly like a real cigar and they will produce a smoke effect if you blow into them. I found that if you poke some holes around on the last inch or so it produces more smoke more easily. Also you can chop it, although you lose the fake ash (I suppose you could reattach it somehow) it still produces smoke. This would be great for the opening scene of "The Odd Couple" if you want to have the TV thing where Oscar finds a used stogie in the street.

We finally got our new round tuits, these ones explicitly inform you "This is a ROUND TUIT for those who were always going to get AROUND TO IT" - It saddens me that some people don't get the gag otherwise. Round TUIT page