NEVER JET HOT

In the old days, people often had to tell a family court judge exactly what is wrong before a divorce would be granted, and the circumstances of the split would affect the division of assets to some degree, one would suppose. Hence the entertainment value of the courtroom show "Divorce Court". People arguing over phone bills on Judge Judy just doesn't do it for me. With today's no fault divorce laws, there is no good reason to keep track of every irksome thing. For instance, the judge would not want to hear about when we are sitting up reading in bed, Teresa's annoying habit of chuckling over "Life in These United States" or whatever, it kind of takes the edge of of the Dean Koontz novel I am reading. That's all right, I cut the last page out of the bodice-ripper she is reading.

I could have had this statue at a local garage sale for a song, I think it was there at the sale they had last year too. But I suspect that Teresa would question the artistic value of this specimen vis-a-vis the aesthetic sensibilities of our abode. All of a sudden she's a museum curator? Next year, I am buying it. I hope it doesn't get ruined by the humidity in the garage.

The Mrs. thought it would be fun to go to the local street fair; You know, when they block off the street and put up tents hawking sunglasses, risque potholders (??), there's always the "sand art" thing, what else? Oh yeah, I always take this opportunity to get the Sunday paper for about a third off the newsstand price. His pitch was "Free newspaper! Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!" but like I said, I was there to do business, he had me at hello. Then, the garage sales. There are always several this time of year. We went to one and I picked up $3 DVD's, H.G. Wells' "Time Machine", and a Sinbad movie, the one with the multi-armed dude and the cyclops. Still looking for Jason and the Argonauts with the fighting skeletons, guess this will have to do for now. Oh, and an "Incredible Hulk" throw to keep in the truck. (I have a green and tan truck) They had so many movies, video games, and toys of every description at that yard s...

Rarely do I laugh out loud at three jokes in a row; Maybe we overdid it with the Kahlua in the coffee this morning. Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? They fight tooth and nail! Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

It warms the cockles of my heart that our "Temporary Marriage" certificates sold out long before Temporary Divorce certificates . Now I have them marked down, but maybe people realize that the "temporary divorce" might cost a lot more than 49 cents...

Teresa saw this "Oreo Spam" and said "Now THAT would make a good breakfast!" ... On what planet is this considered breakfast food?

The Humongous Steel Pig Mascot is for sale on Craigslist... There are so MANY things you can do with a giant steel pig, but my wife shoots down EVERY SINGLE ONE. And then she wonders why I'm not rich. How can I get rich when all of my grandiose endeavors are blocked at every turn?

Precisely how high can I shim up my side of the bed to make Teresa gravitate toward the opposite side, without having her realize that the bed has been shimmed?