NEVER JET HOT

Dr. in Canada was having an affair with a gal in his office. Soon enough, she told him she was pregnant; The dr paid for her to go to the US, live there until the baby came. He instructed her to send a card w/the word SAUERKRAUT on it when she gave birth. About nine months later, his wife said that he got a rather strange postcard in the mail. It read; SAUERKRAUT,SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT -- TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT! (I tried to "Twitter" that but I couldn't make it short enough) (Had to google to get the spelling of "SAUERKRAUT" YMMV)

I love jokes that I can tell as if they happened to me. The problem now is, whenever I start to relate ANY story, my friends and coworkers will fold their arms and smirk… Anyway, I enjoyed this one. Hope you will too; A guy is on an elevator and a blonde gets on. She smiles and says “T.G.I.F.”! He looks at her and says “S.H.I.T.” She shakes her head no, and says, “No, I said T.G.I.F.!!” He repeats, “S.H.I.T.” Now the blonde is frustrated, she says, “T.G.I.F. – It means, Thank God It’s Friday!” He replies, “I know what it means. S.H.I.T. means “Sorry Honey, It’s Thursday.”

This joke cracked me up, reminds me of a boss I once had... Johnson, who always shows up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his clothes a mess, all scratched up, his eyeglasses bent. "What happened to you?" his boss asks. "I fell down two flights of stairs." "That took you a whole hour??"

You will hate me for this, but I can't resist posting another little Johnny joke... The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart att...

Pirate joke swiped from some guy on twitter; A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel instead of the usual scarf, wrapped around his skull. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum. The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?" "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

When I was a (real and not just in my head) kid, knock knock jokes were all the rage. I never really thought they were funny. But I just pulled these on Daphne and we agree, funny. We will let "Bud" and "Jim" demonstrate... BUD: "Knock knock." JIM: "Who's there?" BUD: "The Interrupting Cow." JIM: "The Int..." BUD: "MOOO!!" But the key is the followup joke... BUD: "Knock knock." JIM: "Who's there?" BUD: "The Interrupting Starfish." JIM: "The Interrupting Starfish wh..." BUD: (puts palm on Jim's face, with all digits extended)

I wonder if "Bud and Jim" jokes will become as popular as "Little Johnny" jokes... Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Coeur d'Alene Idaho. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Bud says, 'I feel great. How about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't hav e a hangover?' Bud says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ou ght to...

I didn't get this one at first; guy on the radio was saying; I saw a wino eating grapes. I told him, "Dude! you have to WAIT."

We have all seen these before, but they still crack me up. They are especially appealing when neighbor girl I call "Screamy McScreamerson" is playing in the street. Children's books that didn't make the cut You Are Different and That's Bad The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables Dad's New Wife Robert Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence All Cats Go to Hell! The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption Grandpa Gets a Casket The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy Strangers Have the Best Candy Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way You Were an Accident Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will Pop! Goes The Hamster; and Other Great Microwave ...

John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "A car is being towed from the parking lot!" he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by." A few more moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out. "Matt has a new bike" "Mr. and Mrs. Cooper are having sex." Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex?" Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too.

Rarely do I laugh out loud at three jokes in a row; Maybe we overdid it with the Kahlua in the coffee this morning. Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? They fight tooth and nail! Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ‘Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’ She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.’ Little Tony just said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you.’

Little Johnny’s mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, “Johnny. This is where you come from.” Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as “Lucky Johnny.” “Why?” one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, “Because I came this close to being a turd.”

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he vis...

Combines bartender and psychiatrist jokes... Guy telling his bartender his troubles; "My wife thinks she's a pretzel!" Bartender sez, "Did you take her to a psychiatrist?" "Yeah... he says she's twisted." OR "My wife thinks she's a piano!" Bartender sez, "Did you take her to a psychiatrist?" "Are you kidding? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"

A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks the man what he can get him and why the man is pulling that chain around? The man answered " HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these things?!!"

I was just reading that a couple in China has applied to name their baby "@". (In Chinese the english "at" sounds like "love him", I am told.) People used to say that "Coke" translates to "Bite the wax tadpole", which is making me hungry. I hope this mom in China doesn't decide to make this a theme, with the punctuation, and naming the dog asterick, etc. She'll be calling out the back door, @!! #!! &y! (andy) $! Get in here right now! Get * out of the driveway! They will know they are in trouble when she calls them all at once with the middle names too- @)#!&y^$$ (calling them) @)#!&y^$$ (swearing) What's in a name? # will go on to work for the telephone company. Expect big things from $. That is all I got.

"Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat." -unknown author Sometimes maxims such as this are filled with meaning in the hours of darkness, but the test is whether they hold up to the cold light of day. This one does. I have thought of changing my name to "Unknown Author" and waiting for the money to start rolling in, but it probably doesn't work like that.

Gmail - Goldfish.jpg Sometimes you can repackage an old joke and make it new again.

From a poll, I'm not going to make these numbers look legit by naming the pollster or the margin of error; mainly because I don't know. -------snip--------- 21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80% 22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50% 23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58% 24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85% -------snip--------- Now honey, you know these polls can be twisted based on who asks what when and how... It's about as accurate as a stupid newspaper horoscope... Besides, shouldn't you be doing laundry or something? (Ducking, covering)