The ideal telephone device?

Teresa's grandfather has some kind of interceptor that screens out salespeople even before the phone rings- What I want is a device like that but have it also sense if someone is sleeping and not allow any of the phones in the house to ring or quack (We have 1 duck phone) unless the urgency level is 6 or more on a 1-10 scale. Can it be done? And no I don't want one of those confounded cellular telephones. They're the work of the devil, I tell ya.