NEVER JET HOT

I have noticed some people come to our site via some variation of "get a novelty manufactured". They want to see Uncle Marvin's idea for an auto-wobbling chair become reality. Look, We are not manufacturers, just a rusty little link in the gag gift and novelty item supply chain. However, here is a tip for those searchers; Thomasnet.com . This is the online version of those huge green catalogs full of manufacturers of all things, used to be you had to traipse to the public library to look at them, now Thomas directories online and easy to search. Enjoy! If you get a novelty item made that would be a good fit here, please email us, we are always looking for new oddities to peddle.

From IUsedToBelieve.com When I was younger I asked my mom why you had to go slow past a school and she told me it was in case a kid ran out in front of the car you would be able to stop quick enough to get out and spank them. I was VERY careful not get off the sidewalk when I was at school for a long time after that! Kai ...I would tell my kids all sorts of crap like that. No wonder they are so cynical already.

A while back, I put an ad up for my old laserdiscs at CraigsList of Seattle. I didn't expect much of a response, because they are kind of a "white elephant" item, even when I bought them I got most of them practically free. They are the size of LP records and as brittle as old china, plus most movies must be flipped at least once during the movie because they couldn't fit the info on one side. Some are on multiple discs too. Even so, I posted them at a very attractive "Cash on the barrelhead" price, just to discourage people who want to dicker. (Why did I think that would work? It's actually the other way round) I kept getting inquiries from people who want to ask all kinds of esoteric questions such as "Is the 'Jason and the Argonauts' set from the Criterion collection?" Who the hell cares??? There are 3D fighting skeletons!! But more disturbing than that, the wording of the inquiries seems to indicate that they will be wanting to make...

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ‘Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’ She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.’ Little Tony just said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you.’

WANTED: T-Mobile phone Marysville Mine fell in the toilet. After a couple of days drying, I don't think it's going to work again. Any style appreciated.

THIS JUST IN: Huge (5 feet by 3 feet) Pirate skull flag - The Jolly Roger - Nylon for long life, Pirates love Nylon, they love all synthetics I guess. Less than four bucks! No need to dig anything up for this. Get your own Jolly Roger flag here and let the swordfighting jokes commence.

Our #BD1520 Clean or Dirty Magnet is a handy item for the dishwasher, once you condition people to flip the stupid thing around right after putting away the clean dishes, and to flip it back to clean when running a load. Otherwise it is handy to hold a note to the fridge, write your husband a John Deere letter and run off with a tractor salesman? That would be harsh. Anyway. The Dishwasher Magnet is one of our most popular items and useful items, at least in the kitchen. Quantity discounts available.

My sister is selling a computer and wants to know what you would use to *permanently* delete data on the hard drive, without reformatting. I have never tried to do that. By the time everyone in the house has had a go at a computer, the thing is ready for the scrap heap. The last one actually made smoke when it fried out. I have several old hard drives in the garage, want to find some tinted resin stuff to pour in the top, put rubber feet on the bottom, those high-tech coasters make excellent Christmas gifts. Perhaps we could make floppy disk cookies too. Nobody steal my idea now.

My Westie likes to "take a ride on the Reading" so we can't play Monopoly on the floor anymore. Dogs aren't as civilized as these cats appear to be. ( from icanhascheezburger.com )

    #TG0040 Dogs Playing Cards High Quality extra fancy playing cards with tilt-to-change lenticular images. A fine gift for any dog people. New, shrinkwrapped lenticular ( aka "3d") playing cards , dogs all around except cats on the jokers of course. On sale while supplies last! $5.99

Item #GG1224; Supremely Tacky Striptease Lady Pen When turned over, the lady's clothes disappear, revealing her naughty bits. Our choice of barrel colors, many variations so it's hard to promise certain color/model combinations. Besides, a little surprise in your life is a good thing. Sorry, pen cannot be imprinted (Most of barrel is consumed by the naked lady display) Just $2.19 each, less in quantity.

I do remember riding my bike during a lightning storm once, but I'm sure mom didn't send me out there... The only other kids out were those Swedish kids that had a trampoline in their back yard... Exercise nuts... They lived one house up Corliss from the house that was kitty-corner from Trudy... Heidi and uh, Wilhelm? The boy had an odd name like that. I think they missed the middle off trampoline too much, but then again I was out in the storm too... Anyway... I am loving this cool and rainy weather. We don't get a lot of lightning storms in these parts. Hopefully that bit is over now. Mom has been doing so well. I got maybe nine hours of sleep total today, still not quite awake. That's why I am liking all this rain. It's conducive to sleep. When I retire I think I will move to a cool/rainy place like Aberdeen or Hoqium. Wonder if there is bad blood between those two "gateway to Ocean Shores" cities. Maybe I will open a store in Hoqium and have a "Ts...

Some of our competitors sell these scotty dogs too, but in a peg display, and in colors like green and red, what alternate universe are those dogs from. Our supplier is naturally very secretive about where he gets the Retro BLACK AND WHITE Magnetic Scotty Dog sets in the fun little pasteboard box. I try to keep them in stock, but there seems to be an insatiable demand for this sort of little retro toy. So many have been sold over so many years, I wonder how many orphaned scotty dogs are stuck inside heating ducts, in drawers, slightly below ground in the yard, under car seats in wrecking yards, where have I forgotten to look? No matter, we have them at $2.99 a set and call that retail, much less in quantity.

Created by Mingle2.com (Dating for non-zombies) Sorry, I don’t date fellow employees. (Don’t get your honey where you make your money). But if I did, I would give them these lovely romance rats as tokens of my love.

Little Johnny’s mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, “Johnny. This is where you come from.” Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as “Lucky Johnny.” “Why?” one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, “Because I came this close to being a turd.”

I was looking at the obituaries in our local paper. Saddened to see that while 6 people "passed away" and seven simply "died", only two "went to be with our lord" or anything to that effect. I didn’m not counting the one young lady that "Went to live with Jesus" as I am not convinced by the writing there that she didn’t simply run off with a Mexican guy*. Nor am I counting another guy whose obit covered a most interesting live of more than 80 years but did not indicate that he had left this earthly realm. He seemed to be a tough guy, we should not count him out just yet. My obit won’t be near as interesting, but can I help it if I didn’t grow up in a hardscrabble logging camp? * Not that there’s anything wrong with that! sheesh!

I am probably going to get hate mail for this, but I had to chuckle when I found the Freegan.info website. What is a “Freegan”? “Freegans are people who employ alternative strategies for living based on limited participation in the conventional economy and minimal consumption of resources. Freegans embrace community, generosity, social concern, freedom, cooperation, and sharing in opposition to a society based on materialism, moral apathy, competition, conformity, and greed. But it should actually say: “Freegans are kids who grew up in suburbia who choose to be pretentious society-hating twits and eat out of dumpsters, until they get worms or food poisoning, or a real street person defends his turf. Freegans embrace community and generosity, which involves your couch, so get some febreze, it really helps. Also get some earplugs so you won’t have to hear them whine about a society based on materialism, moral apathy, competition, conformity, and greed. Is t...

Here are the Restless Mouse/ Novelty Trading Post PHONE NUMBERS Cell 425-343-6750 or Toll Free Line 1-800-948-5785 PLEASE… No salesmen, agents, representatives, etc. IE No Peddlers Telephones have a real downside. They are so very insistent. Unfortunately they are a necessary tool to maintain our most excellent customer service. THE PROBLEM IS that our goofy novelty websites don’t throw off cash like a drunken congressman. So, I work in a warehouse at night, sleep some in the morning and some in the evening. In theory, Teresa, (AKA the “real head cheese”) is supposed to take the cellphone with her when I am sleeping. But that doesn’t always happen. She will not answer it if she is driving, taking a shower, in the bathroom ( bad accoustics ). Anyhoo. Please, leave a message if no one answers, or better yet shoot us an email. We really do want your business, or else what’s the point of all this?

    #NF1252 Little Black Book New, shrinkwrapped "Little black book" with a star rating system to keep track of the ladies. Only $2.99 on sale, while supplies last.

My nephew fell and sprained his wrist, it probably runs in the family, being sort of accident prone at that age. When I was young, I had a job as a security guard. I was working 10, 12 hour shifts, always tired. One day I stumbled over a car curb and sprained my wrist. Not much of a problem on the face of it, but I was driving an old 66 New Yorker with a push button automatic. (I had rescued it from some guy who was thinking of taking it to the demolition derby) Even worse, the buttons were on the same side I sprained, and they took a little effort to push… Plus there was something wrong with the tranny that caused it to not go back into gear after a stop… So I had to hit L and then D again after it was going… Reaching through the (gigantic) steering wheel to do so with my uninjured hand… Careful not to get whacked by the “suicide knob” if I was going over rough roads, I lived in an industrial area at the time. Good times. I like to think that some metal from that car has been recyc...