NEVER JET HOT

Those of you looking for those crazy puff cigars, Now my suppliers is telling me they expect to ship the 144 I ordered weeks ago, on OCT 15. Right in the middle of "theater season"! Next year I am going to stock up in the doldrums of summer. We do have the Puff Cigarettes, and the JUMBO puff cigars; http://www.noveltytradingpost.com/Puffing_theater_prop_cigarettes_p/pr1302.htm http://www.noveltytradingpost.com/Fat_Cat_Jumbo_Puff_Cigar_p/pr0303.htm

IS someone at eBaY PAYING the National Retail Federation to say this? At a recent congressional hearing, NRF vice president for loss prevention, Joseph LaRocca, says selling on the Internet is THE DOPE: "The Internet seems to be contributing to the creation of a brand new type of retail thief – people who have never stolen before but are lured in by the convenience and anonymity of the Internet. Thieves often tell the same disturbing story: they begin legitimately selling product on eBay and then become hooked by its addictive qualities, the anonymity it provides and the ease with which they gain exposure to millions of customers. When they run out of legitimate merchandise, they begin to steal intermittently, many times for the first time in their life, so they can continue selling online. The thefts then begin to spiral out of control and before they know it they quit their jobs, are recruiting accomplices and are crossing states lines to steal, all so they can support and perpe...

SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- A West Virginia man who police said passed gas and fanned it toward a patrolman has been charged with battery on a police officer. This reminds of the Sarah Silverman show where one of her friends lets out a silent-but-deadly "bomb" in a patrol car, and gets arrested. (Hilarity ensues)

We get all kinds of offers from suppliers all over the world, but this one caught my eye; Just about 35 years late on that one, guys.

I'm not sure if this site is just a tribute site to How I met your Mother , I sure hope so, otherwise this woman scares me; TedMosbyIsAJerk.com

I got this email five years ago. It still haunts me. I feel bad because I did have a wrist-mounted dimensional warp generator, but it got mixed up with some stuff that Teresa was setting out for a garage sale, and you know how that goes... Hello, I'm a time traveler stuck here in 2003. Since nobody here seems to be able to get me what I need (safely here to me), I will have to build a simple time travel circuit to get where I need myself. I am going to need an easy to follow picture diagram for a simple time travel circut, which can be built out of (readily available) parts here in 2003. Please email me any schematics you have. I will pay good money for anything you send me I can use. Or if you have the rechargeable AMD dimensional warp generator wrist watch unit available, and are 100% certain you have a (secure) means of delivering it to me please also reply. Send a separate email to me at: (the guy's email)

Pirate joke swiped from some guy on twitter; A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel instead of the usual scarf, wrapped around his skull. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum. The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?" "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

Apparently some wags on twitter are assuming the personas of characters on Mad Men, the beautiful to look at TV show populated by some pretty rotten characters (Don Draper is an IDIOT to cheat on Betty) Some think it might be at least partly an advertising gimmick by AMC to promote their show about advertising... At least one persona on twitter referred inquiries to Deep Focus, an ad agency representing AMC's Mad Men show... "But it does remain a mystery concerning just who is behind these 'Mad Men' characters. AMC says the posts are written by fans, but they seem to be suspiciously well-connected fans: in response to an interview request, Mr. Draper's character referred all questions to Deep Focus, a Web marketing agency that works for AMC." ... It's like a hall of mirrors.

My sister is concerned about her savings at Washington Mutual. I set her straight, her money is federally insured to 100 grand, and between me, her, and everyone on my street, except the Pederson's on the corner, couldn't come up with 100 thousand dollars. So it's not really an issue. I wonder how many other people do not know about FICA? I think it says something about that right on the bank door. I just looked and they have 176 Washington state WAMU openings posted at Monster.com - One of the openings is "Operational Excellence Black Belt" which is kind of cool, but how would they be able to lay that guy off later? You would get your ass kicked.

Check out this tool that graphs what people are saying on Twitter in the most recent seven days. Apparently those obsessive folks who use twitter (I represent that remark) are generally pretty happy; I Compared Happy, Sad, and Bored; I don't know if they are happy because they twit or they twit because they are happy. More research is needed. http://twist.flaptor.com/trends?gram=happy%2Csad%2Cbored&table=0

This poor kid, her dad is a real nerd, graphing her feeding times, diaper changes(!) Now sleep? Future therapist fodder for sure. The Trixie Update: Metrics

A person could get in real trouble submitting a receipt from a brothel to accounting! Or carrying one around in briefcase or pocket! I most definitely DO NOT recommend that you plant one of these on someone... pink928

This just in from UPS. Maybe I should go outside and enjoy this pleasant Northwest weather... Hurricane Ike Service Update UPS is preparing for Hurricane Ike, which will likely make landfall in Texas during the weekend. Mandatory evacuations have been ordered in the coastal areas of the state, including around Beaumont, Galveston and Houston. Safety is our first priority, and UPS encourages our employees in the area to take all necessary precautions. Eight UPS centers in eastern Texas are currently closed: Victoria, Angleton, Texas City, Baytown, Port Arthur, Beaumont, Pasadena, League City Pickup, delivery, and On-Call Pickup Service will be delayed in affected areas. The scheduled hours at UPS Customer Centers, The UPS Stores and UPS Freight terminals will also be impacted. If you plan to send a shipment to east Texas, UPS recommends contacting your recipient to make sure they are available to accept the package. Further updates will be provided on ups.com

    #PJ1218 not enough lead in your pencil? The old #2 pencil turned to rubber. Makes the big exam sort of iffy. It's good luck dontchya know. RUBBER PENCIL Now only 77 cents while supplies last...

When I was a (real and not just in my head) kid, knock knock jokes were all the rage. I never really thought they were funny. But I just pulled these on Daphne and we agree, funny. We will let "Bud" and "Jim" demonstrate... BUD: "Knock knock." JIM: "Who's there?" BUD: "The Interrupting Cow." JIM: "The Int..." BUD: "MOOO!!" But the key is the followup joke... BUD: "Knock knock." JIM: "Who's there?" BUD: "The Interrupting Starfish." JIM: "The Interrupting Starfish wh..." BUD: (puts palm on Jim's face, with all digits extended)

I wonder if "Bud and Jim" jokes will become as popular as "Little Johnny" jokes... Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Coeur d'Alene Idaho. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Bud says, 'I feel great. How about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't hav e a hangover?' Bud says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ou ght to...

    #CT6601 Martian Popping Thing You've seen them in some cold medicine TV ad, and on "Drake and Josh", Martian Popping Thing has amazing stress-reducing properties. Squeeze him and his eyes, ears, even nose, pop out! They retract when you let go, and there are no repercussions. He's made of thick rubber (not latex) for long life. The supplier for this product jacked up the wholesale price on these so high that I stubbornly refuse to buy more. So, "while supplies last".

Worst classmates ad ever! Do you think I didn't know what they called me? Especially that one in the corner (see arrow), Mother said she did it because she LIKED me. She sure had a funny way of showing it. She would always ride her bike in the street in front of my kool-aid stand and drive away business. I think people would NOTICE if my kool-aid had "cooties". And she could KICK. I had to wear long pants into the summer to hide the scars. I guess the idea on these classmate finding sites is to round each other up, reminisce and laugh, and then proceed to make each other miserable again only on a larger scale. (Heather K. of Cromwell Park circa 1972 - I'm kidding! You are always welcome at my kool-aid stand!)

Created by Mingle2.com (Dating for non-zombies) Sorry, I don't date fellow employees. (Don't get your honey where you make your money). But if I did, I would give them these lovely romance rats as tokens of my love.

We are constantly bombarded with emails from Chinese manufacturers, touting all kinds of strange products, I kind of think these are small operations trying to emulate the success of others, but not there just yet. Although I am sort of intrigued by this "eye massager" Hooks into your USB port, then what? I don't want to end up on the church lawn clawing my eyes out. They need to provide more details. Can I wear it in the bathtub?

more graph humor and song chart memes

I could have had this statue at a local garage sale for a song, I think it was there at the sale they had last year too. But I suspect that Teresa would question the artistic value of this specimen vis-a-vis the aesthetic sensibilities of our abode. All of a sudden she's a museum curator? Next year, I am buying it. I hope it doesn't get ruined by the humidity in the garage.

Found this at the bottom of a "spam" message. Can I go too? Be also notified that I will no longer be reading my emails or surfing the internet as I have retired completely from the outside world to my ranch, at this moment I have nothing to do with cars, emails and other luxuries

From the "Snohomish County Freecycle" mailing list: I have about 8-10 pounds of palm oil and another 8-10 pounds of coconut oil that have gone rancid (they stink). They might be good for bio-diesel. Has it come to that? Do people have cars that you can dump any old kind of grease or oil in the tank and the machine runs flawlessly? Like on Back to The Future III? I need to look into that. Our friend Ethyl is getting a bit too big for her britches.

Why is it that when your car catches on fire, it burns up, but if your house catches on fire, it burns down? Normally I would ask my insurance guy, but this question would probably make my rates go up.

If you google "John Everett": I'm not the guy with the Funeral Home, the Private Investigator (JohnEverettPI.com! How cool is that!) nor am I the real estate guy. I don't work at the Canadian Institute for Theoretical Astrophysics. (My "string theory" involves wondering why my shirt is unraveling) I'm not the photographer in Houston (Although I must say his work impresses me. Wonder if I could get a Doppleganger discount?) Didn't write a technical book about "Very Small Aperture Terminals" (Why don't they make the doors to the airport building bigger?) I'm not the 19 year old NYC comedian named John Everett with all the pretty girls flirting with him on his MySpace page, although we have a few things in common (I go off on rants sometimes, and I also do a fair Bill Cosby impression, although it's probably 20 years out of date and involves Jello pudding) Most certainly am not John Everett the Highwayman, Turnkey and Ale-House Kee...

I didn't get this one at first; guy on the radio was saying; I saw a wino eating grapes. I told him, "Dude! you have to WAIT."

For when you want to know who is calling, what the company is calling about (and what they want), without having to call them unarmed for a battle of wits. 800notes.com comes in mighty handy. Lots of other consumer links there too.

This site; That Was Random! ...reminds me of a show from the 70's called "Real People with Sarah Purcell". Recently the site has a guy who can move his eyes independently of each other, and videos of people who have problems with travel trailers, and a bunch of other interesting bits. I wonder what ever became of Sarah Purcell? And why do I remember her name, but not the names of my children?

We have all seen these before, but they still crack me up. They are especially appealing when neighbor girl I call "Screamy McScreamerson" is playing in the street. Children's books that didn't make the cut You Are Different and That's Bad The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables Dad's New Wife Robert Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence All Cats Go to Hell! The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption Grandpa Gets a Casket The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy Strangers Have the Best Candy Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way You Were an Accident Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will Pop! Goes The Hamster; and Other Great Microwave ...

The Mrs. thought it would be fun to go to the local street fair; You know, when they block off the street and put up tents hawking sunglasses, risque potholders (??), there's always the "sand art" thing, what else? Oh yeah, I always take this opportunity to get the Sunday paper for about a third off the newsstand price. His pitch was "Free newspaper! Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!" but like I said, I was there to do business, he had me at hello. Then, the garage sales. There are always several this time of year. We went to one and I picked up $3 DVD's, H.G. Wells' "Time Machine", and a Sinbad movie, the one with the multi-armed dude and the cyclops. Still looking for Jason and the Argonauts with the fighting skeletons, guess this will have to do for now. Oh, and an "Incredible Hulk" throw to keep in the truck. (I have a green and tan truck) They had so many movies, video games, and toys of every description at that yard s...

I saw this in a car window, a sign that seems to indicate that there is a baby on board who is wearing men's underwear. Sometimes I wish I was um, multilingual. Or at least fluent in english. We carry the Mom's Taxi gimmick, but I thought the baby on board thing was discarded years ago as being utterly pointless. I noticed that there was no car seat, which makes me even more curious, maybe this is some sort of gang sign.

Even after literally hundreds of trips to the post office, Petey still worries that someone will go in there and accidentally get shipped to Abu Dhabi. After all, to a dog, the post office is like enemy headquarters.

John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "A car is being towed from the parking lot!" he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by." A few more moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out. "Matt has a new bike" "Mr. and Mrs. Cooper are having sex." Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex?" Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too.

Here's a story about a family that picked up the dog after vacation and got the wrong dog, apparently the kennel operator thought it would be fun to put some other black lab in the same "room". As a Westie owner, I can certainly see how the mixup could happen, Westies look a LOT alike, if my parent's westie gets groomed around the same time and we go over there, it can get downright confusing if not for the collars. This situation finally got sorted out, but with this comment from the kennel operator: "[the kennel operator] told The Oregonian newspaper she had no comment about how the confusion might have occurred. 'We tried to do everything we could, and it's really unfortunate we had two customers who couldn't identify their dogs', she said." What she should have said (and done!): "We regret the mixup and we are taking steps to make sure it never happens again" and then describe what she plans to do about it. Hello? Customer Servi...

I recently discovered that (at least in Windows XP) There is an "On screen keyboard" option. If your keyboard acts up sometimes (I had one of light-up keyboards that turned out to be krap) - Try this; Start menu->Select Run->Type OSK->Press OK You will get a virtual keyboard , you can use your mouse to type on it. Makes me wonder what other treasures are hidden in that beige box by my knee.

Rarely do I laugh out loud at three jokes in a row; Maybe we overdid it with the Kahlua in the coffee this morning. Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? They fight tooth and nail! Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

Found while investigating a noise in one of attic spaces: One KM-8 "Sock Em" boxing glove. Add this to artifacts found around the house and yard, old beer bottles in the wall behind the medicine cabinet, Motorcycle wheels in the stickers, some steel pipes, some sort of multi-level spool thing, what else? Various balls and frisbees may have come from adjacent yards. Lots of glass and plastic found digging around in the far back yard, I think they used to burn their garbage here rather than pay for pickup. I found a doll head back there, and a kitchen knife. Man, this place is getting creepier by the minute.

I was reading this Study on the health benefits of Laughter It makes me wonder. If laughter is the best medicine, what is sarcasm? Are there health benefits to smirking? Or does it have to be a belly laugh? Does it work better on fat people then? Is canned laughter the generic equivalent? Can I get cheaper laughs in Canada? There are many unanswered questions.

Oh wait, Ben was a rat. Anyway; The thing that creeps me out about the life-size wind-up mouse toy is the way the tail moves as it goes. The one we took for product testing drives the dog NUTS. It kind of creeps people out, my mom's dog does not get one because it gives her the willies (Mom, not the dog). The windup mouse toy comes in white, gray, black, or brown fur , you can request your desired color(s) in the comments field when you order, most folks don't really care, in that case we will send whatever is top of the box. NOW just $1.99 or less in quantity.

    #PJ2000 Mosquito buzzing box gag It's your last chance to annoy people with buzzing mosquito noises. Just a few left now, get 'em while they're hot at just $3.49. The buzzing mosquito noise seems to come from everywhere and nowhere.

9/5/08 I am ashamed that I allowed the stock of "puff cigars" and "puff cigarettes" to run out; We have more on the way (LOTS more) Because "Theater Season" is coming up. So much for my aspirations to be a stagehand or a "key grip" or whatever. Teresa says I'm still her "Best Boy" anyway. The new stuff should arrive mid-September and will be immediately posted.

    #NF1290 Stewie Family Guy Pocket sound machine Only about 10 left of these Stewie Talkers, the most evil one, but he gets away with it because only the dog understands him. read more in the ad for the talking stewie , clearing them out for just $3.99 each! I don't expect they will hang around here long at that price! All like new & tested, great gift item for Family Guy fans...

    #DS0170 Snotty Keychain Last 9 or so of these funky little snot nose keychains , I put them on sale. Lots more coming, I am unable to work at my main occupation so I will amuse myself here and hopefully clear enough inventory so we have room to set up the monopoly board.

I downloaded Google's new CHROME web browser last night. So far, I sort of like it. I like searching from the browser bar. The window that comes up with displays for most-used sites, I like it but Firefox's FAST DIAL addon does it better, and comes up every time I open a new window. (At least, that's how I have it configured.) I did have the flash crash while trying to watch a YOUTUBE video but the rest of the browser window I had opened were unaffected, had a bunch of other programs open too. The "Incognito" feature is interesting but I have no real practical use for it, and even if I did, who knows if it really works? It might be like the "Cone of Silence" on the old "Get Smart" show. Lots of the "Internet Pundits" are down on this browser and of course they came up with security flaw(s)... But geez it's a very early beta... Give the gentle Goliath of search a chance before you start throwing rocks at him...

It seems odd to me, the way they word things when posting something to the Snohomish County Freecyclers List . Got this one just now; I have two floor lamps that need new homes Well, I'm not sure. Are these floor lamps healthy? Do they have behavior problems? I'm worried that they won't get along with my other furnishings. What kind of electricity should I feed them? Then I got; I have 3 dining room chairs looking for new home. I like these dining room chairs, they are being proactive, and actively seeking out a new home, probably interviewing dining room tables, going on hikes hoping to meet other decor-minded furniture. They might have an ad on Craigslist that goes something like this; "Looking for a nice home with non-drinking, non-smoking humans. No children please. Also, if you are into the whole 'tipping against the wall' thing, don't even bother. I have protective leg-tips, you be floor safe too. Prefer French Colonial surroundings.