NEVER JET HOT

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back." She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almo...

First day of the newspaper ad, I call on an 87 Taurus wagon, only 82,000 miles, it's out in the rural area past Stanwood, where people measure thier lots in acres instead of feet. Old guy's wife answers, but before I can finish saying "Hi, I'm calling about the Taurus station wago--* - She barks "Just a minute!" - Then the guy gets on the phone, answers my questions, I'm getting hopeful, I have conjured the image that this is the couple that posed for the painting in front of the barn with the guy holding the pitchfork- American Gothic? Anyway, I zip up there, anticipating a gleaming machine for only $2,000, with piles of oil-change and blinker repair reciepts and plastic on the back seat. No such luck... Turns out the old guy doesn't have the title yet... He buys a car about once a month from his son the car dealer. You would think his son would shoot old dad something saleable anyway, but no... This thing had at least 182k, maybe 282k on it......

Why do you think this couple is divorcing? ay-25 1978ChvyShorty/1969Ford 3/4 - Divorce Sale Make Offer - $3500 (Marysville, WA) May-25 1975Ventura/1968PlymVIP/1965Ford - Divorce Sale - $2500 (Marysville, wa) May-25 1971&1977Ford/1962Chevy $2,500 ea - Divorce Sale - $2500 (Marysville, WA)

As you know, we have a business selling joke items and corny/tacky stuff online at therestlessmouse.com - So I'm checking out the competition for the corny squirt ketchup and mustard bottles joke - (Just in time for summer picnics!) and at the bottom of the search page google asks me this: Did you mean to search for: squirt ketchup and mustard gas ? Hell no! I just want to startle my friends at the picnic! I don't want to kill them! Criminy, what is the world coming to??

From TheSuperficial.com ; "Looks like Brad Pitt has been taking child care lessons from Britney Spears. Last Thursday he went for a bicycle ride in Namibia with Maddox and Zahara but didn't properly secure Zahara in a child trailer, instead strapping her to his back in a blue papoose without a helmet." TheSuperficial is concerned about bicycle safety here, but I think the bigger issue, he 's taken the children to NAMIBIA. They probably have already had thier young identities stolen three times over! Although with names like Maddox and Zahara Pitt, I recommend they leave thier identities in a brightly colored gift box on a bench at the mall.

Still looking for a car. This craigslist poster gets points for honesty; And it's good that the car has a new "cendencer"- If you don't take care of that your blinker fluid will leak out and cause your catastrophic converter to replode. Or so they tell me. THE CAR RAN GREAT I PUT NEW POINTS & CENDENCER IN & STARTED TO PUT PLUGS IN WHEN IT STARTED RAINING SO I CAME IN & NEVER GOT AROUND TO FINISHING IT

Still looking for a car for Teresa, I just got a call back from a guy, Teresa brought the phone upstairs, I guess he thought that I was on hold or something, I overheard him talking to another guy about Bondo! Scratch the 96 Saturn off my list... Looked at a Taurus yesterday, it ran fine but smelled funny and the brake light kept coming on, among other things. The Hondas and Toyotas in my price window have all had way too much experience, 200k or more! I liked the orange Caprice but suspect it used to be a taxicab. There was a Monte Carlo with a broken windshield which isn't a deal killer, but I looked underneath and the oil pan appeared to be covered with black fur?? Is that an option thing? They must have a bad leak and then drove around in the pussy willows? I keep telling Teresa that if we fix several things on the Corsica it could still be a good driver but she doesn't trust it anymore, sometimes it won't let her in. The passenger front door won't open at all from ...

I like the list of rules for houseguests at modernpooch.com - esp. this one; 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) heh heh "FURniture"

I know some of you are just dying to leave a snotty or even helpful or intelligent or witty or maybe thought-provoking comment but saw the link it the bottom and quite naturally thought it was just a method of looking at comments... So I added a helpful little blurb to encourage you.

I don't know how this happened, apparently in Germany, some thieves stole an entire rollercoaster from a traveling carnival. Police are following the trail of car keys, dried vomit and bits of caramel corn. See rollercoaster story at Ananova

From StrayShoppingCart.com : CLASS A Types can be subject to some CLASS B Types. A common example is that when an A/1 CLOSE FALSE is vandalized at the edge of the SOURCE lot, it acquires the secondary Type of B/12 SIMPLE VANDALISM. Such situations are indicated by a green icon with a brown border. A CLASS B cart can acquire a CLASS A Type only when a B/1 OPEN TRUE is left at a bus stop, where it becomes A/3 BUS STOP DISCARD. I see a lot of oddball websites examining mundane objects or situations, (such as that seen at MyUrbanDig.com or stuffonmycat.com ) - but this mind-boggling system of categorizing lost or stolen shopping carts seems to indicate a descent into madness. Have you seen anything more obsessive? .

I was looking at sites that google thinks are similar in taste or texture to TheRestlessMouse.com when I ran across booblites.com Now I can certainly understand why someone would want to purchase a nightlight that resembles a woman's breasts. After all, people get drunk and shop online all the time. In fact, I suspect that our business depends on it. However, a week or so later, someone might open the little box the mailman brought, and think... Why did I buy a "goldfish eyes" nightlight??

Gaak! Books like "The End of Oil" are predicting vast suburban slums because nobody can afford to drive to work-- Mister Roberts, don't you think that people can adapt? Don't you know that there are creative, intelligent people in the world who are developing technologies to save energy, more and more of which will become feasible as the price of oil goes up. Case in point; We are considering the economics of getting one of these Spin-X Centrifuge Dryers - A few minutes in this machine will save a half hour or more in the dryer. Yes, they are expensive, and the savings shown are obviously for someone who does a lot more laundry than we do, but at some point rising electricity costs (and hopefully knock-off cheaper Spinner machines) will cause dryer manufacturers to incorporate this feature into thier best machines, saving America megawatts. Or maybe people will start using clotheslines again! .

I've got to stop getting gasoline late at night... I had the wierdest dream The tiger in my tank GOT OUT and started chasing me around the pumps. I tried to fight him off with a stick, but then I thought, oh crap this is the stick I got the short end of. The tiger then tried to convince me that HE was the one with the short end of the stick... He kept biting pieces of it off and saying "See?"... At some point I must have realized I was dreaming because I tried to morph him into Tony the Tiger, the innocuous cereal-box cat, but he was having none of that. Maybe it was a pretty flaky idea. Anyway, I woke up before getting mauled in my sleep. Perhaps this dream has something to say about the oil industry, if you ignore the Freudian aspects of it. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. _

Someday I'd like to have a little hole-in-the-wall store to peddle our unique blend of merchandise from; I would surely need a sign like this one! Many thanks to the Glass Giant !

I thought this was going to be a lawyer/ professional courtesy joke; but it's not. Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed, he said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars?" The guy says, ...

When I was a kid I noticed that some stores, particularly "5 and 10" stores, advertised outside, among the other things they sold (Newspapers Magazines Umbrellas Bait etc) - it also said SUNDRIES. Naturally, I thought it meant items that were dried in the sun. Later, for some reason I thought it meant they sold condoms, and ladies end-of-the-month stuff, whatever items were not to be enumerated on a sign outside. Just looked it up, dictionary.com says sundries are "Articles too small or numerous to be specified; miscellaneous items." So I reckon our website TheRestlessMouse.com does *not* sell sundries, in fact you cannot buy sundries at retail on the Internet; By the nature of posting it for sale, it is obviously not "too small or numerous to be specified", we have to specify to post it for sale. Any questions? .

From The Snohomish County (F)reecyclers mailing list : (wanted) Son likes to pretend treehouse is spaceship looking for buttons for him to push and dials to read. Karen in Marysville ... Hehe she should put his peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a tube... And make him drink "Tang". .

And now a word from our sponsors, Mother's Helper Dish Soap, and... Nude Bowling Party . .

I used to work for a guy who said that there was only about 1200 jokes in the world, all the others being just variations on those, if you broke them down into the thing that makes them funny. Case in point, this one would probably be lumped into "curiosity killed the cat" - Please note, the way I first heard this joke, the fence was around an exercise yard for a mental institution. But I guess that doesn't work anymore, what with all the government cutbacks on intstitutional funding. Joke #1232 A man is walking along the road, when he hears someone shouting "Twelve! Twelve!" over a fence. As he walks around the corner, they are now shouting "Thirteen! Thirteen!" Curious, the man looks through a knothole in the fence. Suddenly he's poked in the eye by a man on the other side, and as he writhes in agony, the man hears "Fourteen! Fourteen!" .